While scrolling through my feed reader, I came across a story that talk show host Maury Povich is retiring from the show that bears his name after hosting it for 31 years. People who follow my content may wonder why I am writing about Mr. Povich in light of the fact that nothing I have written would suggest that I am a regular viewer. To be sure, I have never watched an episode of Maury. The only thing I know about Mr. Povich and his show is that he is known for dramatically announcing whether a gentleman is the father of a child. From what I learned through the grapevine, Mr. Povich would lead off such a segment with “In the case of little baby [boy or girl] [insert name]…” please see the following table for the rest of the story as I understand it:

Maury: You are…Putative Father?MotherSome Man WatchingChild
“THE FATHER!”ResignedTaunting“Whew”Unfortunate
“NOT THE FATHER”TauntingDistraught“Uh-oh…”Unfortunate

Imagine what it must be like at school if one of your classmates happens upon that episode in which your mom and some strange man ‘starred.’ . That may be more embarrassing than being used as a social media prop by one or both of your parents.

But I digress.

In any event, I decided to comment briefly on the end of Maury because I remembered a joke that one of my classmates (“Boy S”) made in high school. He probably got the joke from somewhere else, but he delivered it well.

On the subway home from school one day, Boy S stated that all of the unfortunate children featured on the Maury show were named after electronics manufacturers. He provided an example by doing a Maury impersonation:

In the case of little baby girl Nokia, you are not the father!

Boy S
Public Domain image of the Nokia E90.
Image of the Nokia E90. Public Domain image by “Shirtwod” from Wikimedia Commons and free to reuse. I never had one, but this looks like a fine phone. I am all for QWERTY keyboards on phones. Is it good enough to name a little girl after? That is a different question.

Everyone in the conversation laughed. Maybe it was in the delivery. We started thinking of other ideas that would work. “Little baby boy Sony.” “Little baby girl Apple?” (That last one is taken.)

I am sure that many Maury fans out there will recall with fondness those calm, relaxing mornings with their favorite empathetic television personality and his delightful guests. My only memory, however, is of that poor little baby girl Nokia. We may make a few jokes about the end of Maury show, but spare a thought for those who will lose this indispensable resource.

Poor little baby girl Meta.