I received a mailer from T-Mobile. For the record, I have never sought or possessed T-Mobile services. I do currently have a monthly phone and data plan with Tello, which uses T-Mobile’s network, but I have never dealt with T-Mobile directly. But what is the harm in opening a letter? I opened the envelope and found that T-Mobile, addressing me by name, was presenting me with an “exclusive offer” for persons who are at least 55 years of age. See for yourself below:

A T-Mobile mailer offering a special phone plan for persons aged 55+, sent to a person who is  not, in fact, close to being 55+.
I took the photo with my Teracube 2e phone. Retouched by Victor V. Gurbo.

I will not divulge my exact age, but in light of the fact that I have written about obtaining a copy of Pokémon Gold at launch in 2000 when I was a child and seeing Jimmy McMillan at a Dunkin Donuts in 2011 when I was in college, it should suffice to say that I am not quite 55.

(It has been said that I am in the 55-plus age bracket at heart, but corporations seldom consider matters of the heart.)

There is a tension entailed in this letter. T-Mobile is presenting me (by name) with an offer, but the offer seems to exclude me. Was there some kind of mistake? It matters not! T-Mobile saw fit to place this offer in my mailbox. I spent precious seconds of my day retrieving the mailing, opening it, and reading it. I consider the offer made. No take-backs. I have half-a-mind to march over to the nearest T-Mobile location and accept the generous offer. But there is one line in the offer itself that dissuades me from accepting:

We know how important it is for you to get the most value for your money.

This is true. While I am not, in fact, 55 years of age, it is important to me to get value for my money. At the moment, I pay less than $10 per month for phone and data services from Tello. To be sure, that plan comes with data and minutes restrictions for phone calls, but I barely use phone data or talk to people on the phone. Even if we add my XMPP-phone number with JMP, I am still paying less than half of what I would pay each month for T-Mobile’s special senior plan.

For this reason, and not on account of my age, I must announce here at The New Leaf Journal that, upon accepting T-Mobile’s view that I qualify for a 55-plus phone plan and considering the offer, I must decline the offer because it is too expensive.

However, that the plan is not right for me does not mean it is not right for you. Some people enjoy voraciously consuming content on their phones and using copious data as a result. Moreover, some people, for reasons I cannot comprehend, actually enjoy talking on the phone. If any of these individuals are in what according to T-Mobile is my 55-plus age cohort, consider this article a public service announcement directing you to a relatively cheap full-featured phone plan.

(Do you think I can get an affiliate deal for this article?)