Below, you will find a fictional dialogue between Justin and Justina, two unusual-yet-similarly-named friends. In this conversation, Justina turns to Justin to learn what the deal is with the GameStop and Robin Hood situation. Was Jason the best person to ask? Well, if nothing else, he will likely have a take that you cannot find anywhere else.

What’s the Deal With GameStop and Robin Hood?

Justina: My friend is ranting about all the problems he’s having with Robin Hood because of the whole GameStop thing. What’s up with that? I keep seeing it on my Facebook feed.
Justin: Oh boy.
Justina: What? Just tell me. You’re supposed to know this stuff.
Justin: I just wish I could buy FuncoLand stock. I’ll never forgive GameStop for taking that away from me.
Justina: Funco… what? What does that have to do with Robin Hood?
Justin: Nothing.
Justina: …
Justin: What you’re seeing now isn’t so much Robin Hood as Rob-bin Hood. Terrible stuff. How dare they besmirch the name of the real Robin Hood. His name is being abused even worse than Abraham Lincoln’s right now. But let me tell you, the real Robin Hood is nothing like what they told you in schools.
Justina: They didn’t teach me Robin Hood in school…
Justin: Of course they didn’t. Thanks to Howard Zinn for ruining everything. I’m going to teach you about the real Robin Hood.
Justina: Could you just answer my question?

Who Was Robin Hood?

Justin: Little Red Robin Hood was an interesting man.
Justina: Red? Didn’t he wear green?
Justin: He wore green on his heart.
Justina: Huh?
Justin: Green with envy toward the nobles and landed classes.
Justina: So he wore red?
Justin: He wore red. Don’t let the Chinese Communist Party and Disney – but I repeat myself – keep the truth from you.
Justina: Disney? What does that have to do with Robin Hood?
Justin: Oh right, you didn’t have a childhood. That’s something you and Robin Hood have in common.

1821 etching for a book of Robin Hood riding on horseback with his mother.
1821 depiction of Robin Hood with his mother on horseback. Justin says nothing of Robin Hood’s parents. See the original source on Project Gutenberg.

Justina: …
Justin: Robin Hood grew up in a tavern. Adopted by a degenerate gambler named Enchanting.
Justina: Who names a child Enchanting?
Justin: Last name: Musk.
Justina: That has to be a pseudonym.
Justin: One time he was sitting in the corner while Enchanting Musk was gambling. A troubadour came through. Blob Dylan was his name. Robin Hood was enchanted by Blob’s vintage guitar. Blob played a little tune. Robin Hood asked if he could learn to play too. You know what Blob Dylan said?

Picture taken by N.A. Ferrell of "Blob Dylan" written with marker in Bushwick, Brooklyn.
This is an actual picture that I took in Bushwick, Brooklyn, with my BlackBerry Classic camera.. It may have inspired Justin’s story.

Justina: …
Justin: Not on your life kid. You don’t have enough money for my vintage guitar. Justin asked if he could at least have an aircheck. But Blob shook his head. See, music was only for the upper classes.
Justina: So then why did “Blob” play anything for him at all?
Justin: So let’s skip ahead about 15 years.
Justina: …

Robin Hood the Renegade Troubadour

Justin: From the day of his fateful encounter with Blob, Robin Hood believed that music should be accessible to the serfs and the working classes. But as he learned, wasn’t easy to get instruments into the hands of the people. So what did he do?
Justina: Steal money from the rich to buy instruments?
Justin: WRONG.
Justina: Then what?
Justin: Are you ready for this?
Justina: Just tell me.
Justin: He stole their wooden furniture. Isn’t that something?
Justina: …
Justin: He was talking to a fellow music-loving friend named Louie. Louie told Robin Hood that guitars sound better if they’re made from old wood. That’s where Robin Hood got the idea. He could steal vintage wood furniture and create instant wood guitars.
Justina: So he stole old furniture and built guitars?
Justin: Well, that was the idea.
Justina: What happened?
Justin: He didn’t know how to build guitars.
Justina: …

1821 etching for a book of Robin Hood being thrown into a river by a friar.
1821 depiction of Robin Hood being thrown into a river by a friar. Sometimes your best-laid plans do not work out. See the original source on Project Gutenberg.

Justin: So in the end he sold the furniture and gave the money to the poor.
Justina: …
Justin: Then he switched to just stealing money.
Justina: …This is just the same Robin Hood with a backstory.
Justin: Yeah, they always leave out the backstory. Say, didn’t you have some question at before we started talking about Robin Hood?
Justina: …I forgot.